Sketch: The whole tooth and nothing but
March 11, 2010 by Robert McNeil · 18 Comments
Picture: Xauxa
As citizens will have noticed, the weekly hullabaloo at Holyrood is called First Minister’s Questions. It’s not First Minister’s Answers, which is just as well, given today’s shenanigans.
Of course, all politicians are trained not to answer the question. On television, in particular, they listen carefully to it, then talk about something else entirely. Pushed by a Paxman, Brewer or Ponsonby, they may inadvertently – and strictly against their wishes – answer the question. But this is considered something of a defeat, and is viewed with shame and distaste by their colleagues.
On television, most of the time, they get away with it. Not so in Parliament. Here, a hue and cry is raised. Labour’s ranks, in particular, were warned again about hueing and crying by the presiding orifice today. They’re the boy who cried bull. Howling over nothing every week means that, when you do have something, everyone thinks you’re just making the usual noise.
The “something” under advisement today was First Minister Eck Salmond’s comical determination not to answer Elmer Fudd’s question. Mr Fudd, aka Labour leader Iain Gray, asked whether the nauseously New Labour-sounding Curriculum For Excellence would finally get under way this August. In reply, or indeed not, the First Eck said the CFE was supported across the education sector.
The First Fudd affected bafflement. “My question, I think, was a fairly straightforward one.” He said he just wanted to know if it would be implemented by the new school year in August. Teachers, he said, didn’t know what was happening. “When I was a teacher in the Eighties” – domestic science’s loss was the political world’s gain – “I saw plenty of changes in the curriculum but I never saw a shambles like this.”
Eck answered the voices in his head by listing all the people who supported the CFE. This led to such uproar that the presiding orifice was forced to observe: “There are too many sedentary interventions coming from the members to my right [Labour].” If you’re new to politics, let me explain that “sedentary intervention” is parliamentary protocol for talking out your arse.
Speaking of which, Elmer averred: “The First Eck needs to pay attention.” He asked his question again. The Eckish one responded: “Let’s give Elmer Fudd the detail” – this sounded promising – “in terms of the support which the Government has introduced.” Uh-oh, he was away again, babbling about in-service days, quality assurance and other rot.
The First Fudd erupted: “I didn’t ask how many in-service days there were.” He asked his question again, three different ways: “How many subjects will those pupils be taking? How many exams will those pupils sit? And what year will they move to the exam curriculum?”
The First Eck noted: “Elmer Fudd has asked three questions. Let me give him three answers.” Cor, Eck’s answers are like buses. You wait ages, and suddenly they all arrive at once. “First answer: the same. Second answer: the same. And the third answer: four years.” Couldn’t say fairer than that. As for August, it receded into a distant future of long sunny days, scented gardens, and pupils getting ready to study the Curriculum For Vagueness.
Nothing vague about Annabel Goldie, of course. Solid as an Edwardian mansion, direct as a “no” from the bank manager, today the Tory leader sank her teeth into Big Eck’s bum.
She began her sermon thus: “We all know there’s nothing the First Minister likes better than flashing a toothy smile for the benefit of any passing camera.” Correct, and your point, madam? “But all is not well in the world of Scottish dentistry.” I don’t know if a sequitur is the opposite of a non sequitur, but it it’ll do for now. She said the Nats wanted patients to remain on dentists’ registers “for ever”, even if they’d never visited the toothmonger’s for years. This allowed them to say more patients were registered. “In layman’s terms, that means cooking the books.”
Eck rinsed his mouth in pink liquid and spat out the following: “Let’s look at the specific achievements since this Government took office.” Oh, let’s not. We all know Eck’s fondness for facts that decline to ding, but all he needed to say was that there were now more dentists than under the last administration. Which, to be fair, is what he did say, eventually.
Annabel was outraged. “Teeth are rotting as we speak!” she quivered. Well, don’t speak, then.
Lib Dem leader Tavish Scott sought to kill off his party’s vote in the Western Isles by asking if the SNP-supporting natives there were having their ferry fares subsidised by the poor, benighted citizens of Argyll. Quoth Eck: “Now, I don’t know what the membership of the Liberal Democratic Party is in the Western Islands, but whatever vast number it was yesterday, I’m sure it will be significantly reduced today.”
Tavish: “So the answer to that was: yes.” Er, no.
Eck dinged his chiels again, trotting out stats about spending on ferries being up 38 per cent and generally carrying on up the Khyber with more gibes about Tavish alienating the Lib Dem vote in the Western Isles.
David McLetchie (Con) – strike-breaker, uber-unionist and free-marketeer, but otherwise an okay guy – wanted an assurance from Eck that SNP MSPs would turn up for duty when civil servants were on strike. In reply, Eck attached electrodes to David’s genitals and made him sing the Red Flag, followed by Flower of Scotland. Well, in an ideal world, maybe.
Jackie Baillie (Lab) raised the vexed question of minimum pricing for the nation’s national sport: getting blotto. Readers will be aware that Labour has taken against this plan because the SNP is for it. Having thus stuck their head in the sand, they’ve since been waving their buttocks about desperately in the hope that an alternative policy will blow forth to the sound of a raspberry. Meanwhile, the nation’s livers are ending up in the same landfill as our teeth.
Naively, Eck averred: “The debate on alcohol should rise above party politics.” Laughter abounded, most raucously from Lord George Foulkes (Lab). Eck continued his narrative by saying “when I was visiting the House of Commons” the other day. More hoots greeted this faux-pas (as an MP, he’s supposed to do more than just “visit” Westminster), with Eck vaguely mumbling something about being there in his capacity as First Minister of Scotia.
His point was that, while in that foreign land, he noticed representatives of all parties supporting minimum pricing. He thought it “passing strange” that you could find this cross-party support in England, but not in Scotland. He wondered if it was something to do with the weather. I’m not sure what Eck meant. Was he saying that Labour were a right shower? It’s a question to which we may never get an answer.
Related posts:
- Sketch: Carbon emissions a smokescreen for the main political event Once more, there was a feeling that real life was...
- Scottish Parliament sketch: Comfortably numpty he words “numpty” and “sap” were bandied around the Scottish...
- Sketch: clowns, crowns and cloth caps nother First Minister’s Questions, the half-hour of bad-tempered badinage that...
- Sketch: Llama mince and retold porkies rollies up, ladies and gents, as we prepare to be...
- Sketch: Except for viewers in Scotland… ore news from St Elsewhere as, once again, Holyrood became...
“David McLetchie (Con) – strike-breaker, uber-unionist and free-marketeer, but otherwise an okay guy – wanted an assurance from Eck that SNP MSPs would turn up for duty when civil servants were on strike. In reply, Eck attached electrodes to David’s genitals and made him sing the Red Flag, followed by Flower of Scotland. Well, in an ideal world, maybe.”
Oh, my. People were looking at me oddly while I had a hearty laugh. Good job, Rab (or is it Robert, now? You must remember, we Americans confuse easily)
Report This Comment
As to the string of short answers, you know he was just taunting poor Elmer until he finally agreed to answer the questions: bang, bang, bang. The really bad thing about their excluding the Eckster from those Presidential debate thingies (when did you lot start electing a president and not tell the rest of us?) is that at least HE would make them entertaining.
Rumor has it that they may try to kick Elmer “upstairs” to Westmidden. That leaves open to question, who will they throw to the Eckster to chomp on for our weekly entertaiment?
Report This Comment
Rumour has it that Viceroy Murphy will be looking to fill Elmer’s boots, when he is out of a Westminster job.
Although I can hardly bear to think of Murphy having any kind of job in Holyrood, excepting perhaps washing out the Labour Benchers underwear after a particularly rousing First Ministers Questions, I could probably muster interest in seeing him provide the First Eck with some entertainment.
Report This Comment
Another excellent sketch from Rab/Robert, following a thoroughly amusing FMQ – Thursdays are becoming the highlight of the week. No matter how tough things get, at least there is a real belly laugh to look forward to, both during lunch break, and then in the evening when The Sketch appears. Rab, you have the formidable Annabelle down to a T – (th), and quite honestly, she provides the perfect foil for Eck. Speaking of whom, its noticeable that since Annabelle described him as bombastic, he has fairly toned down the volume of his replies, and he has stopped doing his air-glasgow-kiss. Wonder if Eck finds Annabelle scary as well?
I just hope Murphy never comes to Holyrood, no entertainment value there.
Report This Comment
Judge for yourself FMQ
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00r8hrp/First_Ministers_Question_Time_11_03_2010/
Report This Comment
Ay Rab. It wis guid tae see yer yiss o the auld “facts is cheils that winna ding” an nae doot it wad be unnerstuid bi maist fowk in this country. Maist fowk that is, exceppin thaim in Morningside or Kelvinside whaur it’s a weel estaiblisht fact that “ding” is the “proper polite” wey o descrivin cuddy’s or coo’s drappins.
Report This Comment
It would be a sad blow for light entertainment in Scotland if Elmer were to be successful in the East Lothian Westminster seat but is seems unlikely that anything can save that from going down the Swannee.
I can’t see talent like Karen Whitefield being happy if Spud Murphy appears late on the Holyrood block and gets one of the glittering prizes. Who else has not yet had a turn? Surely we are not running out of options?
Report This Comment
Labour’s real problem lies in their lack of a constructive policy for the good of Scotland. It may be summarised as simply anti-SNP. The SNP’s stated aim is to put Scotland and its people first. That puts Labour’s policies in general against our interests.
Surely even Labour voter’s will eventually see the logic of this, and cease blindly supporting them.
Report This Comment
This is surely true, what a disaster. It’s just a machine, worked by robots. Second biggest party in Scotland and in Holyrood and where are they, what do they stand for apart from the Union? What is the Labour party here for? Jim Murphy, Elmer Fudd, what difference does it make. It doesn’t matter even if the combined forces of the Herald, the Scotsman and the Beeb structure their news as anti-SNP news at all costs (see today’s report in the Herald on bonuses for top civil servants in Scotland (That’s the UK civil service)). Whitton had the cheek to say that it was a scandal. Their hypocrisy knows no bounds.
Report This Comment
If we’d had minimum pie pricing twenty years ago, Jackie the Hutt might have been able to see her toes today.
Report This Comment
Thirty years ago and the first minister might be able to tie his own laces
Report This Comment
Readers will be aware that Labour has taken against this plan because the SNP is for it. Having thus stuck their head in the sand, they’ve since been waving their buttocks about desperately in the hope that an alternative policy will blow forth to the sound of a raspberry.
I jsut wanted to see that again. I couldn’t add a word to it.
Report This Comment
This is always a good sketch, long may it continue. It’s almost worth Murphy coming in 2011 just to see what’s done with that. I can’t imagine him as first minister, so I am praying that Labour won’t be the largest party, so hopefully he will just be the new first Fudd. It’s a smart career move as UK Labour go down the tubes (entirely their own fault I might add), coming back to Scotland and forcing your way to the top of the list. But that’s typical for them, they’re all full of communities until they spot a parachute or an opportunity for nepotism.
What they can’t do, (proven by three years of trying with their anti-SNP-at-all-costs-strategy never-mind-the-policies) is change the political culture in this country, back to the credulous mugs most of us were in the past. Perhaps if they concentrated on being a left wing party, irrespective of the constitional outcome, they might get somewhere, but I fera they are blinkered to the point where they might as well just walk off a cliff.
Report This Comment
So does anyone (apart from Mike Russell & his poodle) know if the curriculum for excellence is being introduced this year?
Report This Comment
Keep om trying, Arfur! There might be a fellow spirit out there.
In 2008 £1 was worth $2
In 2010 £1 is worth $1.50
And this when the mighty Dollar is struggling elsewhere
What prudent financial genius oversaw that miracle?
Loved the idea that le petit M Sarkozy thinks that Gordon Brown is a Socialist. Apparently Berlusconi also has a high opinion of our Gordon and so does his wife – that is Gordon’s wife of course.
Report This Comment
After watching the absolutely loathsome behavior of the LibDems at Westminster, I may not complain quite so much about the squealing spaniels on the Labour bench at Holyrood. And if the LibDem in Scotland ever behave that badly they SHOULD be expelled unlike what happened at the supposed “mother of parliaments”.
What a spectacle of badly behaved brats in need of having their noses shoved in a corner.
Report This Comment
Mr Tomlin says “Labour bench at Holyrood”. Slipped up there. They all have seats in Holyrood, but I forgive you. Westminster is often a rabble and the new speaker is pretty ineffective at “odda odda.”
Report This Comment