Sketch: civic prostitution and English not as we know it
March 19, 2010 by Robert McNeil · 26 Comments
Picture: Lhoon
Let me lay my cards on yon table: I hate tourism. It’s a form of civic prostitution. It’s showing off your assets, while desperately hiding your blemishes, as you try to entice slack-jawed oafs to part with their cash for a bit of frivolity.
As for the “industry”, it reminds me of PR: formulaic; not wholly in touch with reality; and incapable of acting outwith previously devised “strategies” hatched in innumerable “meetings”. Pish, the lot of it.
As such, it’s right up the carriageway of Jargon Jim. Mr Mather of that ilk, the enterprise and tourism minster, talks such a lot of trendy tripe that I don’t know why he isn’t in New Labour. He speaks the lingo like a native. It’s English, Jim, but no as we ken it.
Still, at least he started a tourism debate in Parliament relatively comprehensibly and with this enticing promise: “We are going to a very interesting place.” Ooh, where could it be? Airdrie? Coatbridge? The promise, alas, like most of those in tourism (“Visiting Cumbernauld? Be sure to take a whale-spotting trip”), turned out to be bogus, as Jim listed a number of committees and quangos that were helping the situation by talking about it generally.
Then he started venturing into psycho-babble, saying: “There is also a danger that we might get into a negative mindset, when a positive mindset is needed.” Positive thinking? Aw naw. Jim said there was a bloke called Chris Argyris. I wouldn‘t be surprised. “He says that we are all wired up rather unfortunately.”
Well, Jim is. He’s wired to the Moon, or modular lunar interface capacity, as he’d call it.
Mr Argyris’s Big Idea is that we like our ideas to win and other people’s to lose. Well spotted. That way we learn nothing and make no progress. Yes, I see what you mean. The preferable situation, according to Jim’s interpration, was one in which “we identify the problems that we are trying to solve” – no! why didn’t we think of that? – “and try to come up with a better solution that brings in multiple truths from people with different experience”. Aye, very good. Next.
That would be Gavin Brown (Con), who quoted from a Government tourism document which claimed Scotland “outperformed the rest of the world in 2009″. He asked Jim to justify this bilge.
Jim dissembled desperately, saying it must have been about trends, and accused Gavin of being a lawyer with something of the accountant about him. He said he’d discuss the matter later, adding: “We will move on that with him.” Aye, dodged a bullet there, Jimbo. Here’s Jim’s mindset: “How am I going to get out of that one? I know, I’ll talk crap.”
This continued with his claim that visitors wanted “authenticity”, which he followed with this bombshell claim: “We can do authenticity.”
Margo MacDonald (Ind): “What does authenticity mean?”
Jim: “If I have to explain authenticity to Mrs MacDonald, I feel that I am deviating from the subject.” Well, that’s never stopped you before, mate. And right enough, Jim continued: “Authenticity is giving people the experience of meeting other real people and having memorable and …” All right, shurrup, we know what it means. Margo was just winding you up.
Jim said he’d met someone in Kilmarnock who told him all MSPs should carry a load of brochures with them when they go on holiday and give these out to folk. That’s typical of the public, always wanting to punish their elected representatives with rubbish like this. I could never be an MSP, me. Why? Because if a constituent businessman suggested such a thing to me as his elected representative, I would say: “Well, as it happens I am going on holiday next week. Really looking forward to it, too. So, why don’t you give me a pile of your brochures. And I will ram them up your…” Bloody cheek.
Jim finished with some codswallop about data. That’d be Jim‘s ideal holiday. Not staying in a Bed & Breakfast. Staying in a Bed & Data. Slogan: “Come to Scotland! The data’s wonderful!”
All this debate needed was for Lewis Macdonald (Lab) to stand up and talk mince. And Lewis didn’t pass up the chance. He looks like one of those kilties who walk like Max Wall, with the butt sticking out a mile behind them. I always imagine him being sober at a ceilidh. You know the sort of person I mean? Ten to midnight and he’s talking about the Public Sector Borrowing Requirement. To himself.
Lewis said feel-good factors were important, and proceeded to try and make Jim feel bad. He said everything was rubbish, and there’d been fewer tourists from Europe last year. They must be getting wise to us. Imagine a tourist coming to Edinburgh – “Oh, look at the Castle! Oh, art galleries and whatnot! Marvellous!” – and then going out on Friday or Saturday night: “Oh, I’ve just had my head kicked in by a vomiting drunk. It didn’t mention that in the brochure.”
Gavin Brown got up again to bemoan that there were over 400 publicly funded tourism courses, and employers had complained that most of these waddling out with certificates were clueless. He also accused Jim of saying in press releases that 2009 had seen “a tourism boom”. More like a tourist phut, averred Gav.
Ever-patriotic Rob Gibson (SNP) said Scotland had indeed enjoyed a boom compared to other countries. Lots of folk had stayed on caravan sites. It wasn’t all misery, though. Rob also spoke warmly of a boom in surfing, a prat-style activity that reduces places of beauty to areas of “leisure amenity”. In my ideal world, surfers, mountain-bikers and whatnot would be placed under immediate arrest. But when Rob thinks about them, he only sees cash tills ringing. In so doing, he reckons without the far larger constituency that says: “I’m not going there. It’s full of surfers.”
Wee quiet Marilyn Livingstone (Lab) got up to mumble directly from her notes. All together now: aw! The wee lamb. She speaks and all that comes out are bubbles. Bits of teddy-fluff fall from her ears. I didn’t catch a word she said, other than “Hovercraft to Kirkcaldy” which is, I think, the title of a thriller by Frederick Forsyth.
I regret to say that Helen Eadie (Lab) also spoke. Poor Helen lives in a wee world of her own. I’m sure if you opened the door to her house, you’d find it was full of Escher stairways and pictures of clowns on the walls.
The Dunfermline East MSP’s latest fantasy was that tourist brochures were only being given out in SNP areas and not Labour heartlands, particularly in the west of Scotland. Not that she’s paranoid (nurse, the screens!). As usual, she got awfy agitated in inverse proportion to the importance of her point; “So why, minister?” she ululated in distress. “Why do we have no brochures at all?” Oh, for Christ’s sake, give her a brochure. Give her a box of the things. “Welcome to Shotts. Please do not be alarmed.”
Alarms bells were by now ringing in my bonce accompanied by the repeated message: “Abort! Abort! Or, at least, get oot!”
Yup, I’d had enough of this particular “visitor attraction” and was glad to get home.
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“Wee quiet Marilyn Livingstone (Lab) got up to mumble directly from her notes. All together now: aw! The wee lamb. She speaks and all that comes out are bubbles. Bits of teddy-fluff fall from her ears”Laugh out loud stuff Keep it up
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Scottish Pairlament reportin in HD! Whan ye gaun thare, whit dae ye tak tae proteck yersel in case it’s catchin?
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I am afraid Jim Mather suffers from being a person in real life and is subject to the normal frailties of the species. His answer “Authenticity is giving people the experience of meeting other real people and having memorable and …” is a straight give away that he has lost the plot and is havering.
He might go on the define what a real person is as opposed to an unreal person, then we could know who to speak to and who to avoid.
Rab is masterly in exposing a person’s weak points to our great enjoyment. Mr Mather must do better in future before Rab gives him a nickname, for then he will be forever doomed.
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Real people: the crofters on Skye who made my family one of their family, mum dad and four youngsters in a tent, woken with fresh porridge and milk straight from the cow and taken to a ’secret’ beach for a picnic. The fantastic couple running the B&B in Inverness where my brother and I stayed at the the end of our walk up the Great Glen. ‘Call me Davy’ the doorman at the St Andrews Bay
Not real people: castle tour guides and aircraft cabin crew reciting their spiel from umpteen millionth time.
It seems to me that Mr Mather is the one who has been in touch with real people and sadly you have been the one who has missed out.
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“Let me lay my cards on yon table: I hate tourism.”
Oh, dearie me. We Americans (don’t force me to get out the tourism figures, Mr. McNeil) should go home where we belong and never darken your doors again. Do you kick me if we meet on the street?
On the other hand all those Canadians are (I think) still part of that British Commonwealth nonsense, so maybe they don’t count and you won’t kick them. I hope not. They’re a friendly lot. So are we mostly when we’re in tourist mode so I’d prefer not being kicked if you don’t mind–or since we’re the “johns” of those tourism prostitutes perhaps what you had in mind was jailing, except then we have to stay there in Scotland which is apparently NOT what you had in mind.
Mr. Mather apparently didn’t think through his answers, but I’m not sure you totally thought through your sketch either. Yes, as someone who is frequently in Scotland, I’m a bit offended. Apparently all those people I thought were friends really hate me.
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“Apparently all those people I thought were friends really hate me.”
With your views you are more than welcome. In fact Ceud Mille Failte, so there!
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Tapadh leat.
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Dinnae be silly. If you took offense, then maybe you really do need a holiday.
You will be more than welcome to come to Scotland, just don’t tell Rab you are coming.
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No one tell Rab. Rab tells us … … and we love it!
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Aye, Rab, dab hand as he is at watchin’ politishuns, seems to suffers frae that inherent lack of hospitality that haunted the industry fur years. Jist imajin how he’d feel if he was treated yon way by they frenchies or spanish fowks. Or mebbe he spends his holidays in in far flung florida?
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I was only mildly offended. I really don’t believe he thought through that he was implying that non-Scots are not welcome.
But just in case, I won’t mention here when I’ll be in Scotland next.
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Can somebody start a campaign to make tourist, tourism and tourist destination swear words, not to be used in polite conversation?
Tourists are other people on holiday, whereas you and me are paying customers.
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I think he was really having a go at Mather, not the tourists, that sentence was just affecting grumpiness I think, please don’t take the huff!
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yeah come ….but most of us (secretly) wont respect you , and will be uncomplimentary about your perfomance when you leave , and no kissing on the mouth ….we save that nonsense for the lovely lovely Canadians , if you’re going to tip , thrust it in the sporran
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I’s like to see “Scottish” National Trust, Scottish Heritage and the Towrist Board come under one umbrella organisation. We are lousy at selling ourselves. We let the English run the Nat Trust and sell ourselves out. We might be better at letting the Irish run our hospitality industry for us. They have much higher opinion of Scotland than many of the cringers here do.
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I love your style very entertaining, however, tourism is vitally important to the Scottish economy,how many are employed in the tourist trade? I think you have it wrong, you can look at tourism as a form of prostitution, when your on holiday are you using the services of prostitutes?
I prefer the idea that travel broadens the mind, it is education, we should be helping to educate the world, we have a wonderful country and want to share it’s beauty and splendour with others. For this to work well, we need to be a welcoming nation, not ripping people off with tacky gimmicks, like see you jimmy hats for example.
I go on holiday to Austria for summer walking, its fantastic well maintained paths friendly and helpful locals. I stop off a farmhouse on hte hill have lunch there in pidgeon german, they in english welcoming us, can we have a little of this here please! I can got their for a week half board less expensive than going to say the cairngorms, why?
The last time I walked the west highland way, a great experience loved it, it could have been a wee bit better, had the section up loch lommond hadn’t been a squelching mud bath, I gubbed my knee there not good, we got to kinlochleven having had a bit of planning we booked bed & breakfast in an advertised bunkhouse, we got there to be handed back our payment for breakfast and told we don’t do breakfast any more, an the showers were only cold. I won’t be back their then. This is one of Scotlands premier walks, I will grant you this was fifteen years ago, may be better today.
I am proud to be Scottish and want the world to see it, when I look at much of our awesome scenary, including auld reekie she is as beautiful as any other city you care to mention, in case I get a squeel from the west, Glasgow is just as nice you have to look a wee bit more though, both are rich in history, lets boast about it to the world, by inviting them to join us.
Yes you can look at Scotlands problems with drink, you can also celebrate our famous whiskey in moderation as well though, and yes we have Cumbernauld, I must confess though I went and visited the Scottish parliament last week, not sure which is better, Lord it is ugly not welcoming polished concrete ceilings and walls, I suppose we have to try and make Cumbernauld look good some time.
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Fantastic. Jim Mather, what a blether. Not the best face of the government true to say.
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Aye right enough, Dr Lewis Macdonald, his shadow, is rumoured to have been earmarked to stand in for George Clooney or Brad Pitt in the next ‘Oceans’ movie playing opposite Jackie Bailey!
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I play a small part in tourism for/in Scotland in our locality.
We receive guests from Canada, Japan, USA, Ireland, Germany excreta and many English and Scots.
Mainly what I see is we all do a good job.
Travel, hospitality, services, interests and culture.
Visitscotland.com has no idea how to assist me and I have no idea how they can.
It is trying to make a business out of a public service which costs me some to have our local brochure placed in the brochure stand in ONE tourist Info shop for a few months.
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You receive guests from Germany excreta?
I hope you don’t pooh pooh them. Are you sure your tourist shop wasn’t getting the wrong end of the stick with your brochure?
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Funny crap jokes, livilion. Not often that can be said.
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Here’s a wee thought to put some perspective on the worth of our maligned ‘tourist’ industry:
‘Hospitality’ is now the UK’s No1 employer, e.g. there are now more waiters employed in Asian restaurants than work in heavy engineering- mining, steelmaking, rail, vehicle manufacture and ship building, combined.
If some don’t like it – too late, that’s the way it has been for quite a while now, we either get with the program or this country dies on its chorus.
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“formulaic; not wholly in touch with reality; and incapable of acting outwith previously devised “strategies” hatched in innumerable “meetings””
Sounds like the numerous direction changes the Scotsman had when Rab was there: don’t remember him being as vocal about that.
And while Rab’s entitled to grumble, tourism is probably the one growth sector Scotland still has, though sadly it has a hell of a chip on its shoulder when it comes to it.
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Why do we keep using the soubriquet “Scottish?” You know the thing; the Royal SCOTTISH Museum, the SCOTTISH Tourist Board etc. We are IN Scotland! Why not just the NATIONAL museum and the NATIONAL Tourist Board! We don’t have to be reminded we’re in Scotland. Would we host a museum for some other country or run someone else’s tourist board?
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This article is surely a NIMBY parody.
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and pay for it! yes them from afar and here; have a wee tour of our NATIONAL PERLIAMENT! see rab,( extra of course!)see hats jimmy all at holyrood- i-podiaters extra to save on flat feet;
ye our high street is paved with gold!
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